Business Correspondence Critique

I am currently involved in a club in Science Faculty and I actually received the following email earlier this semester. The secretary of the club sent this email and it was regarding the booth duty timeslots of an event being held by the club.

______________________________________________________

Subject: Duty Replacement

Below are timeslots that need replacements permanently. Email me which slots you want to take on (will add on to what you currently have):

Mon
i) 9-10am
ii) 10-11am

Wed
i) 3-4pm
ii) 4-5pm

Fri
i) 9-10am
ii) 10-11am

These changes will take place from effect next week. Please open all of your eyes wide and see the timings properly. Don't take already and I arrange everything already then come and say u cannot blah blah blah.

XXX
______________________________________________________


The main purpose of the email above was to find replacements for the stated booth duty timeslots. However, this email was written rather badly and was found to be lacking several characteristics of effective writing.

First of all, the subject heading of this email should have been more specific. Instead of just writing "Duty Replacement", the writer should have included more information such as the name of the club and the event being held. A more suitable subject heading would be "Recruiting Booth Duty Replacements for Event A by Club B". Thus readers would be able to know the purpose of this email just by reading the subject heading.

Another problem was the lack of salutation at the beginning of this email. This being an email to all club members, a proper salutation such as "Dear all" should have been used. The absence of a salutation in any business correspondence is disrespectful and some readers might be offended.

Besides that, there were problems regarding the courtesy and correctness of the first paragraph in the above email. The two sentences in the paragraph were too blunt and should have been rephrased better using words such as "please". There were several issues with the correctness of the language used in this paragraph too. This was evident in the bracketed sentence at the end of the paragraph. Readers might not understand what the writer meant in the email by the sentence, "will add on to what you currently have". It was not stated clearly what would be added on and it was not mentioned what the writer was referring to as "what you currently have". This email also lacked completeness and did not supply enough information regarding what and where was the duty that needed replacements. It failed to mention anything about the club and event that required replacements for the booth duty. A better way of writing this paragraph would be as follow:
"This is the secretary of Club B, XXX (the secretary's name). As we all know, our club is currently organizing Event A and we have our own booth during this event. However, due to some personnel problems, we need replacements for the booth duty at LT25 during the timeslots stated below. Please take a look and email me the timeslots that you are willing to take over. If you take any of these slots, they will be added on to your current timeslots. The timeslots that need replacements are:"

The last paragraph in the email also lacked courtesy and correctness. The tone used was really inappropriate and crude. It could be seen that the writer was clearly agitated when writing this email. The second sentence was quite sarcastic while the last sentence was plain rude and grammatically incorrect. A more appropriate alternative to this paragraph would be as follow:
"Please take note that the changes in timeslots will take place starting from next week. I really appreciate it if all of you can choose the timeslots that are suitable and convenient for you so that you can make it for the booth duty on time. Thank you for your attention regarding this matter and looking forward to your reply."

The writer also failed to include a complimentary close to this email. A suitable close such as "Regards" should be present at the end of the email. As this is an official club email, the writer should have included his or her position in the club after signing off. The writer should have stated his or her position as secretary of the club.

In conclusion, this was a rather rude and badly written email. Being the secretary, the writer should have been more professional when writing this kind of email to members of the club. Any business correspondence should be revised, edited and proofread before sending it to the recipients. The tone of the correspondence should always be appropriate and a business correspondence must never be written when someone is angry or agitated.

Never send an email when you are as angry as the orang-utan above :)